Operation Porn
by Whedonsgirl
Summary: Adopted from Heliotropic. Iruka gets fed up with Kakashi's books which results in Anko presenting Iruka with an...interesting challenge. The results make life very complicated. IrukaKakashi First chaper is not mine. The rest is. Rating may go up *Not Abandoned*
1. Chapter 1

**Disclamer: I own nothing not even this plot. This chapter and the orginal story was done by **Heliotropic** and the beta at the time computerfreak101. My own writing will be in the next chapter and the last, the story is only in three parts. Enjoy **

**Operation P(orn)**

Iruka twitched.

Kakashi was doing it _again_.

He was on duty at the missions desk, just like every other day. The jonins were panicking and writing illegible reports at the last minute, just like every other day. And Hakate Kakashi was reading that stupid orange book, _just like every other goddamned day!_

At this point, Iruka would usually demand Kakashi rewrite his mission report, maybe tack on a polite request for Hakate-san to _please_ not read that book in public. The jonin would just smile underneath his mask and keep reading as he wandered to a nearby table to redo the report. He opened his mouth to complete the usual routine, but the jonin cut him off with a perverted little giggle. His limp thinned in annoyance.

"Hakate-san."

The jonin glanced up from his book long enough for his eye to form the usual inverted U that represented Kakashi's smile. "Yo!"

Iruka twitched ever so slightly. He glanced down at the sorry excuse for a report the jonin had handed him, glanced at the room full of watching jonins, glanced at the Hokage, and took a deep breath. No. Be polite. Don't attack the jonin in front of witnesses. "Hakate-san, please put down your …book."

Kakashi glanced at the chunin over the top of his bright orange reading material, and smirked. It was fun watching the chunin twitch. "Nah."

And suddenly Iruka wasn't feeling very polite anymore.

_What most people in the village of Konoha didn't understand was the fact that Umino Iruka wasn't a jonin not because he lacked the skill, but because the Hokage absolutely refused to promote him. Why? Because then Iruka would join a division._

_There wasn't a single division head in all the vast network of command that made up Konoha's military structure that hadn't made a request for his transfer to their division._

_The fact was, Iruka was a generalist who specialized. He could do a little bit of just about anything. But the little bit he could do in each and every discipline, he did really, __**really**__ well._

_He was also very good at handling unstable ANBU members, depressed and homicidal jonins, and disappointed genins. That combined with the ease with which he handled the tons of paperwork generated by missions every day, made the Hokage absolutely determined to keep him._

_The event described here is one of the very rare occasions in which Umino Iruka truly loses his temper. It is also the catalyst for other divisions to sit up and take notice of him._

Iruka kept his polite smile fixed on his face for a long, silent moment as everyone waited for the chunin to react. To the left, he heard Genma muffle a snicker.

He snapped.

Iruka's hand shot out and he snatched the book from the copy-nin. Kakashi's eyes widened. Iruka raised it to eye level with two fingers, holding it as though it was some thing disgusting, and read aloud. "_Oh, Moriko-sama, we can't! It's not proper! She giggled as he slid her beautiful violet kimono off her perfectly formed white shoulders, marveling at the beauty of the dove in his strong arms."_

He sent Kakashi a contemptuous look."My god, Hakate-san, you read this flowery crap? My opinion of you has never been particularly high, but you have officially lost all of my respect."

Under the incredulous eyes of all those present, Iruka tossed the orange book in the trash. "Really, if you absolutely refuse to stop reading porn in public, at least read something half-decent. That reads like a harlequin romance, but with less plot."

Beside Iruka, nearly paralyzed with shock, the Hokage wondered vaguely what would happen if Iruka ever met Jiraiya.

"I mean," Iruka continues, taking vicious advantage the copy-nin's shock, "_I_ could probably do better given half an hour."

Behind Kakashi, Anko's eyes narrowed and a gleeful grin lit her face. " Izzat so, scar-nose? You could write better?"

Iruka gave a derisive snort. "Wouldn't exactly be hard, Anko-san."

Her grin widened. "You willing to put your money where your mouth is?"

"Eh?"

"Listen up. You write a story that makes either me or Cyclops here blush, we pay for your dinner for a week. You give one of us a nosebleed, and I'll personally see to it that One-eye writes his reports properly the first time, and I'll do the same. You make one of us pass out, and you get both prizes. Deal?"

"Don't I get a say in this?" Kakashi looked from one to the other, but both ignored him.

Iruka's eyes narrowed. "It's a deal, Anko. It'll be done by tomorrow morning."

Ten minutes later, the sudden insanity that had gripped the poor chunin had left him high and dry, panicking, and with the creeping inkling that he'd just doomed himself to a life of ridicule from his peers. Really, it was K – Hakate-san's fault. (And if he ever met the writer of those little orange books, well, there would be _hell_ to pay!)

Iruka took great pride in the fact that none of the jonins noticed his sudden doubt.

When he got home that night, the first thing Iruka did was clear his desk. No tests, no papers, just a little leather-bound journal he had picked up on his way home and a pen.

For a long moment he stared at the blank pages, wondering what on earth had possessed him to agree to this stupid endeavor.

Annoyance. Adrenaline. Free dinners. _Properly written reports from the two messiest jonins in Konoha._

Iruka's eyes narrowed in determination. Forget shyness, forget propriety, this was going to be the most sensual, smutty, nosebleed-inducing book the whole of Fire Country had ever seen!

Pen to paper, and Iruka began to write….

Iruka's shift at the missions desk started at eleven o'clock the next afternoon, and by the time he had made himself comfortable behind his desk, every single jonin in Konoha was seated or standing in the room. The Hokage had claimed the seat of honor beside the chunin, chuckling, on a claim of 'old bones'.

Anko and Kakashi stood directly in front of his desk.

Anko radiated a kind of smug satisfaction that set Iruka's teeth on edge. Kakashi, on the other hand, was simply standing there, looking bored, for once without that damned book in hand. Somehow, Kakashi's utter lack of interest was more insulting than Anko's apparent confidence.

Iruka finished neatening the stacks of paper surrounding him, and gave the two the most vicious smile he could muster. Anko's smile wavered for a moment, as did Kakashi's apparent nonchalance. (Teaching arrogant seven year old clan kids how to throw pointed weapons had, over the years, made Iruka's smile into a weapon in and of itself.)

He withdrew the little brown leather book from his bag and held it out, the smile growing ever-so-slightly when Anko reached for it.

She began to read.

At first, she turned the pages quickly, wanting to get through it so she could gloat at Iruka. Gradually, however, the pace slowed. A deep blush began to creep across her cheeks. Her hands began to tremble slightly as she turned the pages, eyes getting wider and wider under the curious gaze of the watching ninja. "_H-holy shit_…" she whispered.

Blood trickled down her face as the blush intensified, but she made no move to wipe it away. Here eyes were glued to the pages. Iruka glanced at the book, and smirked.

Her eyes nearly popped out of her head as she got to the climax of the book. She was silent for a long moment, jaw hanging loose. Finally, she made a tiny sound in the back of her throat, her eyes rolled back, and Special Jonin Mitarashi Anko…fainted.

Iruka couldn't help the smug smirk that crawled across his face as the room exploded with noise, the jonins talking to their neighbors and making incredulous gestures towards the downed Anko. Oh, yeah. He was _good_.

Kinosaki Kanna, the head of the Seduction Corps, narrowed her eyes in speculation. _Anyone who can knock __**Anko**__ out with only words has real potential in my line of work…_

Iruka stood up and walked calmly over to Anko's prone form and was immediately the center of attention once again. Iruka picked up the little brown book.

Looking straight into Hakate Kakashi's one visible eye, he smiled again, and held out the book. "Your turn, Hakate-san…"

The jonins, Kakashi included, eyed the little book. Finally, Kakashi reached out and took it. As the jonin turned it over in his hands for a moment, Iruka returned to his desk, still smiling his vicious little smile.

Kakashi began to read.

In the beginning, his reaction was much less entertaining. His eyebrows disappeared quickly into his hairline, but that was the only real reaction for several minutes. Iruka continued to smile, confidant in his little book. After all, Kakashi was pretty much the biggest pervert in Konoha, so it was bound to take more time for him to be effected. No, Iruka was confident. Anko hadn't even finished the book before she passed out.

Soon, the Copy Ninja's eye was moving quicker, his hands shaking as they fumbled to turn each page, faster and faster, more than once coming very close to ripping to page. The book and his face seemed drawn together by an invisible, magnetic force, until all anyone could see was Kakashi's spiky gray hair growing from the little brown book.

"Hell…" Genma whispered to Raido, "The bastard is practically _salivating_."

Raido snickered softly in acknowledgement, and beside them, Kurenai cast an amused glance at the Copy-nin, who was oblivious to everything but the book in his hands. "He's panting like one of the Inuzuka dogs."

Ibiki leaned back in his chair, eyes not on Kakashi but on Iruka. _He's already won the bet_, the scarred man thought, _he's just making Kakashi read it to prove his point and make an impression. _He smirked, impressed. No-one here would be forgetting this any time soon. _And with an audience, to make sure the story gets out so others think before they challenge him. Smart. Maybe…he might just be useful in Interrogation…_

While thoughts circled in Ibiki's head, the effect the book was having on Kakashi was becoming more and more obvious. The man was practically trembling with eagerness as each page turned. He was now past the point where Anko had fainted.

Then abruptly, his head reared back from the page and he stared downwards at it, wide-eyed.

Kurenai gasped softly. "He's using the Sharingan to memorize the book!"

For a long moment, the Copy-nin stared down at the page in front of him, utterly still. Too still, Iruka realized.

"Hatake-san," said he cheerfully, "If you don't breathe soon, you're going to-"

Kakashi's legs crumpled under him, and he passed out cold on the floor, the front of his mask slowly turning dark from the sudden presence of a nosebleed. Iruka sighed, and rose once again to pick up the little brown book and tuck it back into his bag.

He sent the gathered jonins a polite smile. "If someone wouldn't mind informing Hakate-san and Anko that they owe me dinner and that I want their reports in by Wednesday, it would be much appreciated."

This seemed to wake the group up, and it sent the crowd out the door slowly, in twos and threes, all talking about the spectacle. And Iruka, seemingly oblivious to the chatter, turned back to his paperwork.

He didn't even notice the Hokage rise and leave, still chuckling quietly, to return to his office. _I wonder_, he thought, _how Jiraiya will react when I tell him a chunin has stolen his most avid reader? _

Review, you know you want to.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters but I do own this chapter, so ha!

Chapter 2

Iruka was in the mission's room minding his own business when Genma not so casually walked up to him.

"Hey, Iruka," Genma exclaimed like he had only just noticed the chunin-sensei. "Fancy seeing you here," He continued as he slid his arm over the chunin's shoulders.

Iruka was on edge now, and had a feeling of dread creeping into his stomach. He knew this would not end well.

"Yes Genma because I'm never in the missions room during my shift." Iruka replied with a deadpanned face.

Genma replied with a fake little laugh, "Oh Iruka you just crack me up. Do you think that you could do me a favor? It's not a very big one and you're the only person who could do it."

_Oh __no,__it__'__s __going __to __be__some __horrible __task. __I __just __know __it._Iruka thought, bracing himself for whatever Genma had planned for him.

"Iruka-sensei," Genma began and the feeling of dread intensified ten-fold. "Could I borrow the little brown book that you wrote your story in? Please?"

_THE BOOK! He wants the freakin' book! I could have some fun with this._

Iruka let a sly smirk crept on to his face; the smirk disappeared as fast as it appeared, scaring Genma badly.

"Well I don't see why you couldn't borrow it, but I do believe that it is hard to read ash." Iruka said with a slightly apologetic face.

Genma, as predicted was horrified.

"Th-the book got burned?" He asked, fear lacing his voice.

"Yes I couldn't have such a dirty book in my home so I got rid of all of it," The mischievous glint in his eyes was not caught by Genma.

"WHY? Why would you do that? You could have given it away." Genma looked close to tears.

Iruka put on an innocently confused face.

"Who would want it anyway? Besides, I'm not a pervert, and that book would make me look like one."

(Line)

Ibiki was watching the scene unfold with a smirk on his face that scared away a chunin that was nervously approaching.

_Iruka is having too much fun with this. I need to talk with the Hokage as soon as possible about getting him in my division._

(Line)

"You-you, why? Why would you think that no would take the book. I mean it's like a-"

Genma's rant was interrupted by Iruka laughing so hard that fell off his chair.

"Y-you're joking? You asshole!

"S-sorry Genma," Iruka apologized still red in the face. "It was just too good an opportunity to pass up. You should have seen your face!"

Just the thought of it sent Iruka into another fit of giggles, manly giggles.

"Ha ha, very funny, so can I have the book?" Genma replied, right to the point.

"I don't know. What are you going to do for me to _borrow_ the book?"

"Um... how about I buy you dinner one night?" He said, _That__'__s __what __Iruka __wanted __from __Kakashi __and __Anko. __Why __not __me?_Genma thought.

"Let me think about that... no. Why don't you take my students out for kunai practice for a day?"

"Kunai practice? With the little monsters?" This was not where Genma thought things were going to go. But then again, Genma doesn't know Iruka all that well.

By now the mission room was full, and everyone was confused on what was being bartered, and why Iruka was trying to send Genma to his death.

"There isn't anything else I can do?"

Iruka took a moment to raise Genma's hopes before crushing them.

"No because I know I won't get the book back very fast and I could use a day off."

Everyone was wondering what they would sacrifice to have the book even for a day.

(line)

_One __book __caused __two __of __our __best __nins __to __faint __and __now __he __has __the __rest __of __them __under __his __power.__I __must __talk __to __the __Hokage._Kanna thought wanting the brunette in her division.

(line)

Genma sighed now condemned to his fate, "How long do I get the book if I watch the little monsters?"

Iruka smirked, _This __book __could __get __me __lots __of __days __off __if __I __play __my __cards __right._

"Three days. That should be enough time to enjoy it." Iruka was trying to finish the deal, so hopefully get more nin to do stuff for him.

"So one kunai practice, for three days of the book?" Genma concluded hoping the book was worth it.

"Of course," Iruka answered with a business like smile and attitude.

It made everyone shiver in fear.

_It's not like I need to tell him what I would do to him if he gave it to me late. _

"Also you don't get the book till after the kunai practice. So have fun."

Genma walked out grumbling much to the amusement of the rest of mission's room.

"Oh and Genma," Genma stopped dead in his tracks. "Kunai practice is tomorrow."

As soon as Genma was out of sight, everyone the line in front of Iruka's desk increased dramatically.

Suddenly Iruka wasn't so mortified by writing the trash just to win a bet.

(line)

Finally evening rolled around and it was time for dinner. Iruka was both terrified and exited by the prospect of getting them to admit defeat.

Iruka decided to dress up a bit because there was no way in hell that he was eating ramen tonight.

Iruka dressed in a white button up shirt that ended just at his dark denim jeans. Iruka let his hair down, wanting to have fun tonight. All in all, Iruka looked hot.

Unsurprisingly Anko was the first one to show up. Anko took one look at Iruka and started blushing.

"Hi," Iruka said as he invited Anko in to wait for Kakashi.

Anko mumbled, "Hi," _and_ something else that Iruka couldn't make out.

"I'm sorry Anko, what did you say?"

"CouldIborrowthebook?" Anko said as fast as she could.

"Could you say that again?" Iruka asked, even though he did know what she said. But it was more fun to watch her sweat a bit.

"Could I borrow the book? I need to finish it."

"Oh, sorry Anko but I already said I would let someone else borrow it." Iruka said with a slight smirk.

"Who?" Anko was already making plans to destroy and steal it from that person.

"Anko, you know I won't tell you. You might hurt someone."

_And __after __the __day __Genma __is __going __to __have __he __won__'__t __need __any more __pain._Iruka thought.

Finally the most famously late Copy-nin walked through the door, only to see Anko trying to strangle a laughing Iruka.

"Yo," Kakashi said, somewhat uncertainly and distracted.

When Anko stepped away from Iruka, Kakashi's eye widened when he looked at Iruka.

_Wow __I __thought __he __looked __good __just __in __uniform __but __this __is __so __much __better.__I __should __have __dressed __up __too._ Kakashi thought, slightly drooling.

"Are we going or not?" Iruka said walking to the door with two drooling Jonins trailing behind him.

Anko snapped out of her daze to reply. "Um I thought we could go to this restaurant called Brocks."

"Okay let's go." Iruka said happily that it was not ramen.

(Line)

The restaurant was crowed and had a comfy, homey quality to it. The windows were tinted and the seats they found as they sat down were really soft.

Everyone ordered and the conversation came to a stand still.

"You guys did finish your neat and complete mission reports, right?"

"Yes," Both said and quickly handed the reports before the sensei got angry.

_They __sound __like __students __now,_Iruka thought, silently laughing.

"Iruka-sensei," Kakashi started. "Could I borrow the book? It is a work of genius. Also can I have an autograph? Please," Kakashi begged with puppy dog eye.

"No I already said someone else could borrow it and there's a list, so you're last." Iruka stated, happy that he finally had one over the Copy-nin.

"I'm sure that I'm not last on your other lists." Kakashi leered.

_He __is __not __flirting __with __me. __I__'__m __going __to __kill __him_. Iruka thought seething_._

Anko watch as Iruka started turning red, and since he didn't look embarrassed then she would go with anger. Anko quickly excused herself and almost ran to the bathroom to get away from the impending explosion.

"You know what lets just eat and not talk, at all." Iruka said with a glare.

"Okay." Kakashi squeaked, but in a manly way.

The rest of the night went by with Kakashi making eyes at Iruka all night and Anko trying to push Iruka so he would snap. Not enough for Iruka would kill, but enough so maybe he would write another book.

"Iruka," Anko purred. "Would you ever write another book like the other one?"

Kakashi was waiting for the answer as well. His new favorite writer and crush write another book, it would be heaven.

_Especially __if __it __was __dedicated __to __me._Kakashi sighed in bliss from his daydream.

"No I'm not going to write another book like that ever again," Iruka stated firmly. One was enough for him. _Unless__I__could__earn__more__money...nah._

(Line)

Unknown to anyone, a dark figure was watching their little group, especially Iruka.

_One chunin has the entire Jonin population under his control. Plus his file is very impressive. I don't care who I have to fight he will be an ANBU._

With that, the ANBU went to see the Hokage.

(Line)

Now Jiraiya as usual was minding his own business just doing a little research for his super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot books, when he decided go for a nice relaxing hot spring soak himself. _At __least __the __brat __isn__'__t__here. __He__'__s __yelling __about __how __I__'__m __such __a __pervert __and __how __his __precious __Iruka-sensei __is __the __one __of __the __only __adults __he __can __look __up __to, _Jiraiya snorted at that one, _That __guy __must __be __a __real __prude._

After an hour or so, more Konoha shinobi piled in the hot spring and was no longer quite, but had some _very_ interesting news.

"I was actually there you know when Umino lost it the first time." Said the unknown chunin. "It was just so awesome when he snatched Hatake's porn away from him read some aloud and I quote, _'__My __god,__Hakate-san, __you __read __this __flowery __crap?__My __opinion __of __you __has __never __been __particularly __high , __but __you __have __officially __lost __all __of __my __respect__' _Hatake looked like a fish out of water."

_Umino, as in Umino Iruka! How dare he say that about my novel, it is a work of art! I knew he was a prude. When the brat and I get back to Konoha, there will be hell to pay. _

The chunin then continued his tail of utter horror, according to Jiraiya anyway.

"Then Umino said he could write better then that. Mitarashi Anko got in the fight then and challenged Umino to actually write a book. Then it was a bet with terms and stuff."

_The __little __bugger __said __he __could __write __porn __better __then __I __could? __There __is __no __way __he __could __have, __right? _Jiraiyashook that horrible thought out of his head. _Of __course __not, __what __am __I __thinking._

"Then of course all the Jonin had to go the next day to see the end result. IT WAS EPIC! Umino wrote an entire book in just one night, and it had to be good."

"Why did it have to be good?" asked the chunin's companion.

"Because baka. The book he wrote made them both faint after they got nosebleeds and Hakate even used the Sharingan to memorize the book. Then Umino took the book from his hands and left smiling."

_NO, NO, NO, NO, how a chunin knock out the biggest perverts in Konoha, excluding me of course, with mere words. I was never even close to that. Hell, I must be in hell. _

"And the best part was when they woke up. Mitarashi immediately ran out the door saying she had to find Umino and finish the book, with Hakate following right after her."

With the story finished the two chunins left the hot springs.

Finally the super pervert was all alone, which he was thankful for because he really didn't want anyone see him have a nervous break down.

_It's just not possible. It has to be a lie; I mean Naruto always says that Umino is not a pervert like any of his previous senseis and me. Oh Kami, why did you let this happen. WHY? _

That was how Naruto found Jiraiya curled up in a ball and crying.

"Oi Pervert, you trying to drown yourself? Do you want help?" Naruto finished with a grin.

"No to both you brat, but I do need a drink. Be a good student and get me one."

"It's not my job to get you alcohol! Your job is to teach me stuff!"

"You're right it is my job to teach you things. So were going back to Konoha you'll learn lots of new thing there," said the pervert, _And __then __you __will __no __longer __complain __about __me __being __a __pervert __if __Iruka-sensei __is __worse._He thought_,_"HAHAHAHA MAHAHAHA"

Naruto was edging away from the toad sage who had finally snapped. From what? Naruto had no idea and just wanted away from the crazy guy.

"TO KONOHA, MY STUDENT!"

With that phrase Naruto had a strange flashback to a certain Green Beast.


End file.
